The Famous Old Testament Jokes

Or: "Some Things Are Eternal"

(a) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned
in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be
a fair price for her? She's 18 and starting University. Will the
slave buyer continue to pay for her education by law?

(b) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she
is in her period of menstrual uncleanness (Lev. 15:19-24). The
problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take
offense.

(c) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male
and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations.
A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not
Canadians. Why can't I own Canadians? Can you clarify?

(d) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.
Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally
obligated to kill him myself, or should this be a neighborhood
improvement project?

(e) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is
an "abomination" (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser "abomination" than
homosexuality (Lev. 18:22). I don't agree. Can you settle this?

(f) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig
makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

(g) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them (Lev. 24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn
them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who
sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)?

I have studied the Bible extensively, and I know
God's word is eternal and unchanging, so please
let me know at your earliest convenience.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

The Famous Ju-Bu Jokes

Thoughts of a Jewish Buddhist

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes.